These Thoughts cover the night during which Ashira gained the Advanced Shapeshifting Power.
Gods, what a night! I tried to sleep in the bed, but it was simply too soft. Too comfortable. How did I ever sleep in such a thing when I little?
But what happened?! Was it what, in temple, the priests used to call an epiphany? I do not know. It certainly seems as if all I have learned since meeting Bleys and leaving Timashkurabad came together inside of me, and made me new again. Made me see how little I have known of myself. Of my shapeshifting. It made me stronger. Better. I feel I understand it all, now. Shapeshifting is not just what I knew before last night. Not just of the flesh, though even there it is more than I previously thought, but blood, and soul, and power too. What will this mean in the future? I do not know. We shall have to see.
I have been seeing in new ways since I left Timashkurabad. Learning and doing new things. Seeing new places. Finally understanding that I am out from under the soul-crushing hell of Timashkurabad. All these things seem to have combined within me. Combined, and from them has sprouted this new version of myself.
What a strange sensation it was. Not dissimilar to that which I felt when I walked the Pattern. Only this time, rather than being broken down and rebuilt by an external agency, I was doing it all myself, from inside. Rebuilding myself from my smallest component parts up to the level of my entire self. New. Better. Making myself complete. Whole. Entire. By the force of my own will.
It was frightening. Almost as much so as learning my Primal form all those years ago, or walking the Pattern. What if something had gone wrong? What if I had ... become lost ... in that change? Not that I felt I was giving myself any choice in the matter. But ... despite that, despite it all ... it was exhilarating, too. As I saw it all. Saw myself, from the inside, lit up like a star. Like the sun, burning inside me. Then it faded, but even so, something of it remained. And now I see myself so much more clearly than I did before.
I cannot help but feel that had anyone else been there to see me during this period they would not have found me as I was while I ... changed ... to be a pretty sight.
But now? I feel I have control of myself again. More control, in fact, than I have ever had before...
And there seem to be other changes too. Deriving, I think, from all of this.
Where has my slave brand gone? I have never been able to rid my basic human form of it, no matter how hard I tried, and in the end I simply stopped trying to do so. But now it is gone, seemingly of its own accord. Smooth unblemished skin replacing that black circle of scar tissue on my cheek. Was this, too, part of my epiphany in the night? It feels as if that is exactly what has happened. What, if anything, does it mean though?
Something inside of me has certainly changed, but has anything else?
It would seem so.
I spoke!! By accident, without meaning to, as I went about my morning ablutions. Saying out loud that which I was thinking. But I have never spoken. Never been able to speak. Never. How has this happened?! And why?! Is this another part of my epiphany last night? Making me new? Making me more whole than I have ever been?
How strange it was to feel myself speak. And how much my voice reminded me of Alakhan's. So rough and hoarse-sounding. Perhaps, for me, it is simply because I have never used my voice before, and it will change, in time, to something smoother. But ... I rather hope that it does not, if only ... to let it be the only memorial there is ... to Alakhan.
And what a strange sensation speech is in itself, beyond simply doing it. Such a peculiar vibration in the throat. But I suppose I shall become used to it, as everyone else appears to do.
How strange to think of myself speaking. I know I repeat myself, but this is so strange. Being able to speak! For ever, one assumes. How will it change what I do? How will it change what others think of me? I do not know. Another thing, among so many, where time will, no doubt, tell the tale.
I shall have to be careful, too, to avoid saying exactly what is on my mind, what I am thinking, without control. That could, I suspect, cause me no end of trouble with the likes of Legion, let alone the others whose opinion I actually have some regard for.
I could sing!
Malintha and Sarashjur always said my inability to speak made me special, but even then - even when I was very little - I knew they said that only to comfort me. Comfort the little mute girl. And it did, even in the worst of times. I liked being special, even if it was so much a lie. Will this make me less special? I cannot think I will lose anything, and I will gain the ability to communicate with everyone, even the likes of Legion and Simon. How very thrilled I am at that prospect!
I look different too. Healthier, perhaps. And even my clothes have changed. Oh, Gods, I look like such a fop! But ... I like it too. It feels right. It feels like a match to the new me. My new understanding of myself and my powers. So ... I suppose I shall have to live with this new ... look. Not that that will be too great a chore.