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Back to the diary entry for A Day At The Races.
Thank the Unicorn Morgalyn refrained from charging off like a revenge-crazed maniac after we returned from Chaos. I'd prepared a lot of reasoned arguments (and a few unreasonable plans) to use to try to stop him - not that I put too much faith in his susceptibility to reason - but fortunately he did nothing unwise, and so I didn't need to try them.
It was depressing to see the change in K'dell between when I was there previously and now. The whole place taken over in a coup and filled with invading troops, some of Dalts it turned out, in what was probably the latest round of the Calen-Dalt vendetta.
I though I was amoral. Uncaring. Nasty! But I volunteered to rescue Calen's son, Thomas, without hesitation. Why? I didn't like the idea of someone I'd known, however briefly, being imprisoned unjustly. And by scum like Anders.
I don't like to kill. But Anders. Arran said he enjoyed seeing Calen's councillors and soldiers burn alive. For Anders I would have broken my usual rule, and killed him gladly. There aren't many I'd say this for, not even Caine, but I'm glad he's dead.
I can't say I was too impressed by what I learnt of Dalt, too, his amused expression as he watched the councillors and soldiers die. And he's another son of Oberon, allegedly dead at the hand of Benedict. It's quite impressive that he's even alive!
Of course, my decision may have been aided by knowing that Thomas is family, Calen being another lost son of Oberon. If every shadow was like K'dell, there would be so many Amberites their numbers would stagger the mind!
With all the Amberites we've been discovering off in shadow, either 'new' ones or ones long thought dead, might it be too much to hope that Dierdre is not really dead, but out there somewhere, just waiting to be re-discovered? I though I was too old and cynical to have dreams like that, too. Still, perhaps the sending of a bird of desire would not be such a bad idea...
And a bird of desire to Calen, informing him of recent events, might also be wise.
The only slight disadvantage was letting Arran into my head to enhance the impression I had of Thomas enough that I could Pattern-teleport to him. Well, it's not really a problem as long as he didn't try any funny business while he was in there. I'll have Khortez check, and will act on what he finds. Of course, if Arren did try anything, he may come to regret it...
I'd not walked the Amber Pattern before going to rescue Thomas. It was quite a strain, more so than when I originally walked the Rebman Pattern. Then again, this time I was in armour and weapons. Perhaps I should have had someone Trump them to me in the centre of the Pattern, but ... time was short, and I didn't think of it.
But after I appeared in Thomas' cell, all my preparations proved unnecessary. For such a supposedly important prisoner, security was remarkably lax. No guards, as far as I could tell, and Thomas merely chained to the wall of a storeroom. Perhaps they weren't expecting people to Pattern-teleport in. Ah well, all the better for me, and for him. And so Thomas was rescued.
When I left Praxis, I thought I'd rejected everything their culture stood for. Become the bad girl I'd always wanted to be. Another selfish, twisted Amberite. But now it's starting to seem that although I was born an Amberite, I was raised a Praxian, and that that Praxian upbringing over-rides my Amberite blood.
I'm caring about right and wrong now, it seems. And family. Disliking enjoying myself at the expense of others. And not caring about revenge, or vendettas and all that - they just seem petty, and pointless - and if that makes me seem weaker in the eyes of others, the more fools they... Dammit! I'm changing! I never would have thought it ... but I'm not the old, amoral Elaine of only a few years ago. Dammit! They'll be putting me up for a Knighthood at this rate!
Perhaps those old stories of the heroes from the past of Praxis had a bigger impact than I thought. The world seemed so much less boring in the stories than it did when I was growing up. So now what? Am I becoming some kind of Knight-at-Large from the old tales? How embarrassing!
Perhaps I should return to Praxis. I might see the place with new eyes, now. And see Yvonne and Charles again before it's too late - after all, it was they who raised me, and so are partly responsible for who I now am...
And I can't help feeling uncomfortable about Gotham. I love the place, but it can be such a hole. And basically it's like that because I want it so. I used to love the filthy streets because they were not Praxis, but the environment of amoral Elaine. But I'm starting to become so that I can't set eyes on a filthy street without wanting to see it clean.
I think it all started with Morgalyn's duel with Deakin down in the Courts. But ever since then the thought has been getting stronger and stronger : There is nothing worse than a dead family member, and killing a relative is the worst crime.
Is this idealism, after all these years?!
From reading Corwin's books, it seems he was hoping our generation would be better, less cynical, than his. I never thought of it this way before, but perhaps so many of our, younger, generation were raised in shadow in an attempt to do just that. Putting us (or just me?) in a civilised place like Praxis was supposed to make us better than the older generation. Did it work?
Perhaps as a side effect of all this, I find I'm more interested in knowing who my father is, now. The man (one of the men?) Dierdre chose to father a child. Perhaps Llewella would be able to help me in this?
Jay. Another relative I'd not met before. He seemed decent enough, though he did have a slightly annoying habit of Trumping off elsewhere mysteriously every so often; still, at least he returned with useful information when he did so, which he seemed willing enough to share. I wonder whose son he is? He claims not to know. Eric would be the obvious choice, given that it was he who brought Jay to Amber originally. But I'm not convinced. Perhaps he is that lost child of Corwin and Dierdre I found rumoured to exist.
He doesn't seem to have too high an opinion of Amberites. Apparently from being brought up as a non-Amberite, but knowing of them (not too surprising an opinion to form of them, I suppose). Apparently he's had problems with his friends since it became known that he's an Amberite, too. So, he spends little time in Amber - he seems to much prefer travelling, mainly in the Golden Circle, with a band of gypsies. Well, why not?
I'm not sure I approve of this implied liaison between Corwin and Dierdre. Perhaps I just have too idealised a vision of my mother. I never met her after all, and despite what Corwin wrote in his books, I can't really believe she was as perfect as he makes out - she was an Amberite, after all!
All this time I've been spending in the library in the last couple of years reminds me of being at university, though now I feel considerably more motivated than I ever was there. And this is far more interesting, all these family secrets and scandals. I can see now why Arran spends so much time there!
And of course, it has paid off. I now have a much better idea who that Deakin person we met in Chaos is (a son of Clarissa, who first appeared around the time of Julians birth), as well as Calen, Dalt and the like. And I now know at least something about the assorted family vendettas.
Morgalyn means well. His heart is in the right place. It's just a pity that his brain can sometimes be so entirely absent. That was how I go badly hurt this time. The worst I have been in a long time. I was trying to fool Winton for long enough to knock him out, when Morgalyn (who Winton had met before) entered the room, and all hell broke loose with the result that I was hurt and Winton escaped. How angry Morgalyns lack of thought made me; his ancestry took quite a verbal beating as I was carried off to the infirmary. At least Khortez's healing magics got me back on my feet quickly, thank the Unicorn.
But I couldn't really stay angry at Morgalyn when he was brought into the Castle Amber infirmary, blinded and nearly deafened by Winton. Still, at least the effects on him were only temporary. And Morgalyn did apologise, sincerely it seemed, once he was capable of standing, and explained why what happened, happened.
One thing this event has done is crystallise a decision to obtain myself some armour, and use it.
Again I was surprised by Sal. This time by the skill with which he negotiated us a way out of the invasion of K'dell with Dalt's son Alan. Despite his outward demeanour, and the skills he has to support it, there are definitely hidden depths in Sal.
Fortunately for us, it seems Alan was not at all whole-heartedly behind the invasion of K'dell, and was able to use loopholes in the agreement made between Dalt and Anders to let us act to remove the occupying army - if we killed Anders the deal would be negated and the occupying troops would leave. And so it was done.
Tony, though, I think, as opposed to depths only has shallows. Not that he wasn't very useful this time, however. We learnt quite a lot from his actions and infiltration of the invaders forces, disguised as a prisoner. But then he got bored and used his shapechanging abilities to just walk out and go to bed back in Rebma! And again his shapeshifting abilities were useful (essential even) in getting us in to the fortress to deal with Anders. But. None of what he does seems particularly enthusiastic; it seems he always has to be pushed into acting.
The only possible exception to this is the time he spent with the Amber embassy down in Chaos . But I wonder how much he was pushed into that?
And also on K'dell we discovered a man by the name of Robert, the only survivor of Calens council, and a powerful sorcerer. He used some kind of power more real than normal sorcery which was able to help me after I had walked the Pattern, unlike normal healing magic. And it is possible that he is a son of Delwin who was long thought dead (another lost Amberite!). Part of the reason behind the Caine-Delwin vendetta. Perhaps, if he is really this son of Delwin it may mitigate that particular vendetta a little? We can only hope...
And this Winton; another son of Corwin, by his looks, and a dangerous man to boot; fast enough to cast a spell before I could reach him, and escape all seven of us. Fortunately my groaning 'treason' to the other guards, and Jays rapidly catching on to what I was about, at least meant he's unlikely to be welcome there in future, given how we were disguised as guards at the time.
But ... he doesn't seem a nice piece of work. Heartlessly and ruthlessly efficient might best describe him. And as it was apparently he who made the deal with Anders, he could be said to be behind most of K'dell's woes. Still, hopefully what happened will cause him continuing trouble.
Especially as it seems we may be forming a little posse to track him down once we're all recovered. Perhaps talking to Dalts son Alan, or having a little chat with Tallis, given his distinct resemblance to Dalt, could provide some useful information. We'll just have to see.
On to the diary entry for A Hunting We Will Go.