Ishmael played by Anthony Grocock
I have stared into the face of Death. When I realised what Benvolio was about I knew it could be the last thought I had. Ever. It bore down on us, the Wendigo a creature of Power, distinct from the Pattern or Logrus, beautifully pure in its simplicity. A natural force thinly cloaked in substance. Had I been stronger, had we been better prepared I could have stood against it, the power of the Pattern would have destroyed it. I am glad now that we were not, did not - whilst I would have destroyed everything in that Place to get to her now I know she was not there I am glad we left it free. I wonder if it appreciates its wild beauty, revel in the power that infuses it, flows around it - or is such appreciation limited to its victims? If Fenja allows us its libraries I will find out more of these creatures...
As I feared though we did not find my mother in that place, it was a trap as was Attar. And yet it seems this time it was Kaitlin the woman who killed Merlin who saved us. Although she may have wanted to spare Adam it seems she also had another motive - luring us in to rescue Sharu Garul from Simnea's fortress. That much of Cuchulain's argument I accept freely - without her aid I doubt we would have penetrated the dungeons so easily. So we must wonder why she wished him free - did she care for him also? Or did she want us to have his knowledge ot use against Simnea and Finndo? Or to find Fiona? If the first then she must care for him a great deal to risk the second as well - so most likely she wishes to weaken Simnea's position, the question then is why? Does she simply want her weakened to further her own ends or (more likely?) is she afraid of Simnea's goals, the destruction of the Family and the Patterns... Perhaps if Adam could talk to her he might reason with her, find out more of her motives - perhaps he could make a Trump of her, he knew her well and has some skill with the cards... But personally I doubt her motive is purely fear, she killed Merlin and achieved the contamination of Corwins' Pattern and the weakening of the Logrus (and thus Swayvill's death) - she must have some interest in that. I wonder what imprint she holds?
And so I come to the deepest part, the most painful. My sister Anastasia, a sister I never knew, have only a seen a picture of in a dusty tomb - and yet somehow that only makes the loss more acute, is that sane? Does it make sense? I don't know, don't care. It's how I feel, as soon as I saw her face in that picture a hope was born within me - a sister. I felt a flood of emotions, a chance for a new closeness. Looking at her I wanted to know her, what was she like? How would she feel about me? Does she know I exist? If so why not find me? A wealth of possibilites and potentials born in that instant of recognition....and crushed again. Smothered by those words carved in the stone of her tomb. I would not have believed I would feel so much so quickly but to find I had a sister and then to realise I could never meet her was so deeply saddening. Not a sharp pain now, as father's death was but a sad, empty feeling within. And then came the suspicion, the anger at Fiona for never telling me, never telling me I had a sister - could we ever have met if only she had told me? How dare she hold it from me! And when I finally heard from Sharu how she died I felt such a flood of rage, almost hatred - how could I? Fiona? Who always loved me, cared for me? How could I assume such horrors of her? Betray her love so quickly? It terrifies me the ease with which those dark emotions swept over me, drowning reason, blinding me to all else. I have to find her now more than ever, to apologise, to ask her to forgive me, tell her I understand. The pain she must bear, and alone not able to share it with her closest family... After all I told Tara of how it was who they were to us that mattered most, what they meant to us. How could I have doubted her so terribly?
And how can Cuchulain feel? He doesn't know like her I do and his mind has filled with suspicion now, he trusts none of the Elders (and few of us). What does he think of her - and what will he do about it? I must convince him, persuade him to reason. He should certainly hear what Bleys told me, though he may not believe him - he hasn't the memories of her kindness to guarantee his words like I do.
It's strange but I find myself feeling closer to Cuchulain now - we are no closer really, no closer bloodtie exists than before but somehow still I feel so. Perhaps it is the shared loss, seeing in his eyes the reflection in parts of how I felt? The common pain of having lost someone so completely you haven't even memories to comfort you...? Or perhaps I am deluded and he feels none of this - still I feel closer to him.
I want so badly to have something of her, even the faintest glimmer. Perhaps in Tir-Na-Noght I might find her.....