BAUER:
Tony? Tony? Do you read me? I'm in position.

ALMEIDA:
I read you, Jack. Listen, we're having a problem arranging back-up for you. We've been taken over by Division, and Chappell won't authorize any resources for your investigation. He says you're not following procedure.

BAUER:
Well, just shoot him in the leg and then blackmail him into co-operating. That usually works.

ALMEIDA:
I'm a little uneasy about that, Jack.

BAUER:
Look Tony, I threw the Deputy Director of the CIA out of a window this morning for withholding information. If you're going to head up Los Angeles CTU, then you're going to have to learn how the system works.

ALMEIDA:
I'll see what I can do. Michelle, we're going to have to put some pressure on Chappell.

DESSLER:
Great! I'll go and get changed.

ALMEIDA:
Jack, we're onto it. Just sit tight and wait until we can get a team down there.

BAUER:
Tony, this guy could do a runner at any moment. I may have to go in alone.

ALMEIDA:
I'm not so sure that's a good idea.

BAUER:
Why not?

ALMEIDA:
Well, it's just that every time you go after a witness, they end up dead before they can talk.

BAUER:
Well, I can't help it if they keep falling downstairs or getting eaten by wild animals or shot by unseen assassins who leave no clues.

ALMEIDA:
No-one's blaming you, Jack. It's just kind of uncanny, that's all.

[Mobile phone ringing]

BAUER:
Hang on a minute, Tony. Yes?

KIMBERLY:
Daddy? Is that you?

BAUER:
Kim? Are you all right?

KIMBERLY:
Yes, Daddy, I'm fine. I got away from the deranged cannibal family again, and some nice people took me in and let me rest up in their house. But then I accidentally killed one of them, and there was an earthquake and the house fell down and now all of them are dead.

BAUER:
Just as long as you're okay, sweetheart. Where are you now?

KIMBERLY:
The police are bringing me in to CTU. They've closed off all the freeways and they've called in the National Guard to give me an escort. They've got tanks and everything. I guess it's just a precaution, but the guy riding with me seems real nervous about something.

POLICEMAN:
Hail Mary full of grace, hail Mary full of grace, hail Mary full of grace ...

BAUER:
It's okay, honey. He just knows who you are, that's all. You're perfectly safe and there's nothing to worry about. Look, I'm doing something really important right now. I'll see you back at CTU, okay?

KIMBERLY:
Sure, Daddy. I love you.

BAUER:
I love you too, sweetheart. Bye.

[Mobile phone deactivating]

BAUER:
Tony? Has my back-up been authorized yet?

ALMEIDA:
We've taken Chappell out of the loop. Michelle's working on him now.

[Sound of whip cracking]

DESSLER:
You've been a very naughty boy.

CHAPPELL:
Oh, yes!

ALMEIDA:
This may take a while, Jack.

BAUER:
What about the satellite feed? I need an overview of the area.

ALMEIDA:
Satellite should be directly overhead. Patching it through now.

BAUER:
Damn it, Tony, this is worse than I thought. Can you see this?

ALMEIDA:
It's a bald spot, Jack. Lots of men your age have them.

BAUER:
This is the worst day of my life.

ALMEIDA:
Well, you could do what George Mason did when he started to go bald.

BAUER:
Get radiation poisoning so that the rest of my hair falls out?

ALMEIDA:
Er, no, just cut it really short. Hold on, Jack. I've got the President on the line.

PALMER:
Jack? I need an update on the situation.

BAUER:
I'm glad you called, Mr President. The conspiracy is bigger than we thought. The mercenaries were supplied by the Michigan Militia, but we believe that they are working for a consortium representing the used car industry, in alliance with AmTrac, Ben and Jerry's, two major Hollywood studios and the Sierra Club, all funded by Bill Gates.

PALMER:
Bill Gates? Is everyone who contributed to my election campaign a crook?

BAUER:
I'm afraid so, Mr President. I wish I wasn't the one to break the news to you, sir, but it seems that you are merely a pawn of sinister forces.

PALMER:
Just so long as I know.

BAUER:
But it goes deeper than this, sir. I don't have any hard evidence yet, but my information is that the consortium is being manipulated by the Knights Templar, the Bavarian Illuminati, the Si Fan and the Nine Hidden Masters of Tibet. But if it's any consolation sir, your ex-wife isn't involved this time. Last I heard, she was conspiring with the Rosicrucians and the British Royal Family to flood America's high schools with crack cocaine.

PALMER:
Well that's one load off my mind. Look Jack, I've got a cabinet meeting in two hours. I need definite proof of this conspiracy before then, otherwise we're going to have to start bombing countries at random.

BAUER:
I hear you, Mr President. I won't let you down.

PALMER:
I know you won't, Jack. Good luck.

BAUER:
Tony, we've got a deadline. I'm going in round the back.

ALMEIDA:
Jack, it's too risky without back-up. I didn't want to mention it, but you do have a broken leg and a heart condition, and those special forces guys removed both kidneys and a lung when they tortured you earlier. You could keel over at any moment.

BAUER:
Tony, you know I'm the only one who can do this.

ALMEIDA:
That's true. Well, apart from Johnston, McConnell, Vitelli, Tanaka, Polonski, Sanchez, Nina ...

BAUER:
Nina?!

ALMEIDA:
Sure. She said she was sorry about shooting your wife, so we let her have her old job back. We didn't think you'd mind.

BAUER:
Well, all right. Look, the back door's unlocked. I'm going to scout around.

ALMEIDA:
Damn it! Michelle, is Chappell ready to authorize that back-up team yet?

DESSLER:
He can't talk now; he's got his mouth full.

ALMEIDA:
Keep at it. Jack? What can you see?

BAUER:
There's a flight of stairs. I don't think I can get the dialysis machine up them.

[Bumping sounds]

BAUER:
No, I'm going to have to unplug myself.

ALMEIDA:
Jack, don't be stupid.

[Wet popping noise]

BAUER:
Tony, listen carefully. I couldn't talk freely until now. That renegade special ops team planted a bug in the dialysis machine when they hooked me up to it. I needed an excuse to disconnect it so that they wouldn't suspect anything. Tony, they've got a mole in CTU sabotaging the investigation.

ALMEIDA:
Oh crap, not another one. I'll put Nina onto it.

BAUER:
Good man. And call the President and tell him that Mrs Palmer, the Rosicrucians and the British Royal Family are behind the conspiracy after all.

ALMEIDA:
You got it.

BAUER:
Thanks, Tony. You're a good friend.

[Mobile phone ringing]

BAUER:
Hello?

KIMBERLY:
Daddy? I'm in trouble. My escort have all been vaporized and I've been kidnapped by aliens. They're performing experiments on me!

BAUER:
I can't talk now, sweetheart. Daddy's busy. Tony, I can hear something up ahead.

KIMBERLY:
Let go of me, you grey-faced freak! Daddy! Help!

BAUER:
Just sit tight, honey. I'll catch up with you later.

[Mobile phone deactivating]

BAUER:
Tony, there's definitely someone in the room up ahead. I can hear them singing.

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE (singing):
Oh sick in the sea, bite the don's surly leg,
Hot surprise leak we sailed out of while atlas cleaning.
Who's brought tripe and bite scars? You prepare a louse fight,
Over tramp parts in which we soaked a long tree steaming.

BAUER:
I'm going in.

ALMEIDA:
Jack, I'm as patriotic as the next man, but I'm warning you. This could go badly. Wait for back-up.

BAUER:
By the time you get Chappell to give the go-ahead it'll be too late.

ALMEIDA:
Jack, just hold on. Michelle's almost broken him.

DESSLER:
Bad dog!

CHAPPELL:
Woof!

BAUER:
Sorry, Tony. I've got to do this now, or millions of people are going to die.

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE (singing):
Handy rock eats deckchair, the bums blurt on a bear,
Cave roof cools the nice hat and bag of spilled hair ...

[Sound of splintering wood]

BAUER:
Federal agent! Put your hands where I can ...

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
Hello.

BAUER:
You again!

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
Look, I found another criminal. Did you bring any beer? I'm thirsty.

BAUER:
You ate another of my witnesses, you bastard!

ALMEIDA:
Jack, talk to me. What's happening?

BAUER:
That's it! Jesus Christ, I've had enough of you, you stupid goddamned lizard!

[Gunfire with ricochets]

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
Ow. You made holes in my detective coat. And you called me stupid. You're a bad policeman.

BAUER:
Stay back! Stay back or I'll ... Tony, I need back-up here. NOW!

ALMEIDA:
Chappell still won't give the authorization. He's proving tougher than we thought.

CHAPPELL:
No, Mistress, not the clamps!

DESSLER:
This isn't working, Tony. He's enjoying it too much.

ALMEIDA:
Jack, did you get that? We're going to have to find another approach.

BAUER:
Damn it, Tony, I don't have time! You! I told you, stay back!

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
I think you're a criminal in disguise. That's why the other policemen don't like you and chase you with guns all the time. You're under arrest!

BAUER:
Oh, crap.

[More gunfire. Hissing and snarling. A loud crunch.]

BAUER:
Aargh! My arm!

ALMEIDA:
Jack?

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
You have the right to remain silent. I have to say that or I'm not allowed any beer for a week. Oh look, you've gone a funny color.

BAUER:
Aargh! Ugh ... No, not now ...

ALMEIDA:
Jack! What's happening?

BAUER:
Not my heart ... Not like this ... Ugh ...

[Gurgling sounds]

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
You're not well.

ALMEIDA:
Jack! Jack! Talk to me!

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
Your button's talking to you. Hello, talking button.

ALMEIDA:
What have you done with Jack?

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
Are you his friend? I think he needs beer. Send some beer now.

ALMEIDA:
It is not US government policy to negotiate with terrorists.

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
I've eaten all the terrorists. They were bad people, but you mustn't tell Agrippina and Damien because they think I'm at the opera.

ALMEIDA:
Let me talk to Jack.

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
Okay. Do you want to talk to the man in your button? Shall I say hello for you? No, he doesn't want to talk to you. Oh, his gun's big.

BAUER:
Ugh ... Tony ... I need a medic ...

[Single gunshot]

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
Oops. Stupid gun.

ALMEIDA:
Jack! Jack?

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE:
I'm bored now. I'm going to find some beer. Bye bye, talking button.

ALMEIDA:
Wait! Damn it! Jack? Can you hear me? Jack!

UNIDENTIFIED SQUAWKING VOICE (singing):
Oh sadist that starts, spank the bladder that raved
On the dandruff and tree, and the gnome on the grave.

ALMEIDA:
Jack! Say something! Jack? Jack?