Part 14 Index Part 16
Tea with Llewella
Yes, 'mother', why did you have me raised in a place like Timashkurabad? Did you want me to grow up into a weak and frightened thing like you?! Or was it, as you say, a convenient stopping-off point for you to use?
Well, that is another thing in which, I suspect, I shall disappoint you.
But you do seem so weak. And yet you are Queen of Rebma. How is that so? The fortunes of birth, one imagines. But how good a ruler can one so weak be? If you are so frightened of Eric and his minions, even though Eric is beyond the grave, how long will you last on the throne before someone stronger - and the gods know, in this place there must be plenty of those - takes it from you?
As for fear, yes, I knew fear in Timashkurabad, for years and years, ever since the Oricarians came. So long that I still feel it now; probably will feel it for ever, in different shades and graduations. But ... if you feel fear all the time, for so long ... is it still fear, or just part of you? And if you cannot get rid of it, you have to live with it, because if you don't, then you will undoubtedly die. Does that make me fearless? Gods, I wish it were so. But no, I think I can just cope with it, that is all. I still feel it. But cannot - will not - let it stop me.
Unlike you, 'mother'.
And now my birth father has a name too - Vashna Robbios. Apparently Llewella loved him. I wonder if he loved her in return, or was just taking advantage of her weakness, or was he simply as useless as her?
She said he is dead, killed by Eric or Eric's agents while trying to rescue me. Another thing Eric owes me for. Not that I would necessarily have liked him, of course, but I would have liked the chance to find out!
She said he was the head of House Robbios of Chaos. Traders, apparently. I wonder if they knew about me or if my existence was a secret between Llewella and Vashna? And if they know, what do they think of me? Well, Llewella thinks they know. As for their opinion, well, we'll see.
Though of course it would be interesting to visit Chaos when and if the chance arises, if only to see the place.
And she says I have a brother, Lefauve, who is now head of House Robbios. I want to meet him, but also I hate - or am jealous of - him. He managed to avoid Timashkurabad though Llewella wanted to bring him there but failed to do so. He, I imagine, did not grow up in hell. But like me he has been affected by Eric's works. At least he was not killed be them. I should really meet him before I decide my opinion of him, though.
Of all the things I imagined we might talk of, this, at least, was the last, the least expected.
Apparently I don't have a prior claim on House Robbios - this brother of mine is my elder. Which is good. I want no part of that kind of thing. And if any of them wanted me to? Well, there are dogs on the streets of Timashkurabad that have had more hand in raising me than any of 'my' House.
But also, if Tanisla was Borel's only child and there are no competing heirs or vendettas, apparently I could lay claim to Borel's estates in House Hendrake in Chaos. Whoopee. What would I want with such a place?! It would probably be crawling with maniacs like Tanisla, and that bitch alone was bad enough. Even if I could take it, I don't want it. Let it rot.
Breathing underwater without gills is quite strange, too. But on the other hand, thinking about it, breathing underwater with gill is quite strange, too!
Thank you for showing me your castle, Llewella, even if not your city. Thank you for showing me all the nice places I could have lived, all the nice things I could have had, had you had the strength, the will, to rescue me from Timashkurabad. Thank you for making me more angry, and bitter, than I already was.
And clearly there are things she does not want me to know, or want to tell me. Such as about your city itself, and what that thing we came here, to Rebma, through. Is it like one of these Trumps? Or something else? I don't know, and if she will not say, it is unlikely that, at the moment, I will find out. Well, I asked twice. If she will not say, she will not. But do not think I will forget it.
And now here we are at the Pattern. I didn't notice in the midst of all the ructions in Amber, how insubstantial and unreal it makes everything else - including me - seem. Is this emotion that I am feeling awe?