Lord Anubis has offered me an opportunity to learn of the power of the Gods. Of the Aleph. And more. The opportunity to become a god! Such an unexpected development. But such a ... right ... one too. And one which is both exiting, and an honour for me, I think. As far as I am aware no other Family members have been so invited.
Not that I am such a megalomaniac that I see myself as a god, but more because it seems a natural outgrowth of my search for knowledge. For understanding. And, to be perfectly honest about it, it is not as if these are gods who are above us, like the Christian-type gods in which the folk of some shadows believe. They are people like us. Very ... human ... or so it seems. Much like Amberites, I suppose, but, perhaps, more co-operative and certainly with a different set of powers to them. But not, I think, too dissimilar...
I cannot help but think that I may be following a similar path to father by doing this thing. Exploring powers beyond the normal spectrum of those available in Amber. I only hope that my path does not lead to the same ... unfortunate ... destination as that to which father's led him. We shall see. I hope not, as my reasons for taking this path are very different from what I heave learnt of father's reasons for taking his path. But still, despite the danger, I think it is a path I must take.
I wonder. I hope to assay the Pattern soon, also. And from what I have learnt from Caine and Abel, the Pattern ... records ... one as one assays it. What will it do if that person has already gained the power of the gods? Will it then incorporate the power of the gods into itself? Or will it be unable to cope, and kill the person attempting it? Or drive them down the path of madness trodden by Merlin? Or will it, itself, be damaged or destroyed in the attempt?
Personally - obviously - I prefer the first of these options, but I have no guarantee that that is what will actually occur. Anubis seems to think that it will none of the above, that the Pattern will largely ignore it, as it does the power of the Trump. Let us hope so. But still, if it does incorporate the power of the gods into itself in some fashion, I wonder ... could this act to bring gods and Amberites closer together? Perhaps. One might most certainly hope so...
And if this should occur, what then of my feelings towards the Family of Amber and the gods? I cannot help but think that my loyalty will lie more with the gods - Anubis, in particular - than with my blood kin. With certain notable exceptions, such as Rinaldo, of course. We shall see.
I am certainly becoming less concerned with assaying the Pattern. Although once I thought it the one power I needed to bring myself to equality with the others of Amber, now ... now I really only wish to assay it because of my Vow. Because I wish to know what it is. And if, in the end, I do not assay it, then I shall not be too concerned...
One might wonder why I should wish to place loyalty to the gods over that to my blood relatives. Well, there are several reasons that spring to mind. First, no god has, to the best of my knowledge, ever killed my mother as a means of attacking my father and driving him to madness. Secondly, no other god has taken advantage of said madness to further their own schemes and ends. And thirdly, the gods have, thus far, refrained from pre-judging me based purely upon my parentage.
Perhaps I am being petty in this, but ... I think not. I do not think it is petty to reject a hateful family in favour of non-relations who are not so...
I also cannot help but wonder what the Pattern will make of what I now know of ancient history, as related to me by Werewindle. For example, the original Pattern of Logrus that existed before the Dworkin used the Eye of the Unicorn and Serpent to split that power into Pattern and Logrus. The Mother and the Father. The Sarithi and Spikards. The Tree of Life and the various Stones of Power which are placed within it. The reshaping of the universe, the possible restoration of the Great Empire of Peoples. The curing of the Fague Blight.
How will it react to all of this, assuming it does not already know a good deal of this information? Not too violently, one hopes...
As importantly, if I am to be a deity, what am I to be a deity of? Lord Anubis seemed to think that knowledge would be appropriate, and I cannot say that I disagree with him. Or perhaps learning. Perhaps those who worship me - and that is a statement that makes me very uncomfortable in and of itself - should be scholars, scientists, teachers, librarians, journalists and the like. Even, I suppose, spies. Seekers of truth in general. And, I suppose, I shall require a godly symbol. Perhaps a three-dimensional fractal of some kind would be appropriate in this case, a thing holding infinite depth and variety within itself, much like the infinite knowledge that exists in the world.
Or perhaps a goddess of 'change for the better' ... reform ... advancement ... or evolution ... would be more appropriate, as I do prefer to use what I know to a worthy end rather than hoard my knowledge.
To be worshipped. I cannot help but shake my head at the very thought. It is so against everything I stand for - stood for, now? - in Ensilarum and elsewhere, a system based on merit and ability, rather than birth. To be entirely honest, I am rather embarrassed regarding the entire matter. As if I had been caught, in school, swearing, or drinking. And I must ensure that, whatever happens, I do not allow myself to be fooled into believing that any of this makes me superior to the normal run of shadow folk - that possession of physical and magical power makes one superior to those who do not.
Though one could, I suppose, argue that my deification has resulted from my own merits. And it implies also that perhaps I will be able to extend said merit and deify others, when I heave learnt enough of such things. That is an interesting thought in its own right. Could I create a pantheon of my own, in time, I wonder? I cannot help but think that I certainly hope so...
But still, whatever happens, I will not be worshipped at home.
And it still makes me uncomfortable, to say the least, to think of people worshipping me. But can one be a deity without worshippers? I do not know.
Still, if I must be worshipped, I suppose I can live with it. Find worshippers only in places where my coming will not cause religious wars and so forth. Pantheistic worlds of many gods, worshipped by all, where the addition of one more deity will cause no problems. Whatever happens, I will not have religious wars fought for, or over, me.
At least it seems that gods do not have to be worshipped. They gain power from faith, not worship itself. That being so, though I would certainly not wish to be worshipped ... I find that I have far fewer objections to people having faith in me. Particularly as so many already do. The people of Ensilarum. Cerebaton.
And of course, if I do become a god, one hopes that I may be able to gain access to the Godly axis of the universe. That should be most interesting...
Another though along those lines occurs to me, too. If one can use the Aleph the gain access to places one could not reach otherwise, as Lord Anubis did when he entered Cerebaton's shadow, perhaps it would be possible for me to use it to find and enter father's former shadow, B'leth-Shine, where I was born... Particularly as Master Tarn knows where it lies, but is unable to enter.
I wonder. If people not born to it can become gods, can those not born of the blood of Amber be given the ability to assay the Pattern in a similar fashion?