When Lord Anubis described the deeply creative process involved in becoming a god I had, at first, no idea exactly what process I, myself, might use to that end. A quest for knowledge, of the self, seemed appropriate. Then it came to me. Trump Music. An entirely new concept. Music that places images into the heads of the listeners so vivid that the tune, itself, is a Trump and opens a link between the listener and the person described in the music. Ideal music. This certainly has the potential to be more than creative enough...
Unfortunately, it turns out that the process of apotheosis largely involves ones finding of ones godly forms, and the special abilities that go along with them, so this is not, in fact, the way forward. However, Trump Music still seems, to me, to be a very good idea, and one I must investigate further when the time allows.
And writing of creation as I am, Cerebaton and Anntha appear to be becoming quite creative in their own right. Their idea for 'land-mines' that home in on the powers of the Dragosians is certainly a more than worthy one. Let us hope that it is of use in our struggle with them.
I think I may have had an idea regarding who these 'orphans' may be. Caine and Abel mentioned that the noble Houses Chantris and Karm of Amber are, allegedly, 'back-up Royal Lines'. Perhaps one of them, or both of them together, are the 'orphans'. Apparently some of the others have discovered this too, and are in the process of speaking to said people. Good. This saves me having to worry about passing on such information.
And now I have, by the raw power of creation itself, the Muse, become a deity. By staring into the Eye of Aleph, and having it, in return, stare back into me. Such an enervating process. Feeling all the parts of my mind - the Id, Ego, Superego, Conscious and Subconscious minds - merging together into one, my Ideal self, in a long, hard, tiring process, apparently as tiring as when one assays the Pattern of Amber. Knowing that from now on I will not have a subconscious mind, will not suffer internal conflict between the parts of my mind, but will instead know myself, all of myself. Forever. And knowing that although I will still dream, I will not sleep again, instead I shall have what Anubis calls the Revive, some godly equivalent.
I am now the Goddess of the Quest for Knowledge. And what a strange transformation it has been. Learning that I have such forms in me. The Iconic and the Divine.
And to see. I believed my senses were sharp before, enhanced by knowledge and magic to see as clearly as possible. To miss little. Now, seeing through, and with, the Aleph, I see how blind I was before. How little I knew how to truly see. Who knows what revelations this may bring in the future? Many, one hopes. And where this new power may carry me is also a possible new source of revelations. An entirely new means of travel through shadow to add to Trump and Magic, with the possibility of access to an entirely new axis of existence. Fascinating.
And my Divine and Iconic forms. Both so strange - the Iconic, particularly - but, again, so right.
And my Iconic form is so strange. Jewels held in a web. A representation of knowledge and the links which bind all knowledge together, all constantly added to and updated by the Quest. Not at all human. But still ... myself. And a ... right ... a natural ... form. Seeing even more than Aleph alone allows.
My Divine form, too. Myself. And yet more myself than I am in human form. As I was. Older. More serious. The dedicated researcher. Thinking. Questing. Seeing the links between ... everything. Even the links to things which are as yet unknown. New objects of the Quest. The Notebook, which assists in said process.
All myself. And yet not. Or more than myself as I was.
And the change from form to form. So odd. The shifting. The flowing of the flesh. Almost a ... 'click' ... out of one form and into another.
Is this how it feels for those of Chaos to shift from form to form? I wonder...
And I cannot help but feel that this is only the beginning. That beyond these powers, the Aleph, the Shape-Shifting, and the drawing of power from the worship of my followers - my worshippers, and I should not attempt to avoid the term - there is more. More godly powers. More new abilities.
Well, one may only hope...
As the Goddess of the Quest for Knowledge, it would certainly be remiss of me not to investigate further. To learn all that I can...
I did not, however, think that integrating all of the parts of my mind would ... hurt ... so much. That parts of me should be so much in conflict with other parts.
Like a series of boxes opening in my head, each one revealing something new. Another hidden part of myself brought to light and integrated into the whole. No more secrets from myself. How ... enlightening ... that is.
I never realised how much of the Orphanarium I still carried with me. How much of that desolate, constricting place still lives inside me. How much of its cold, lonely and loveless atmosphere still clings to my soul like a miasma. But now I know it is there, perhaps I can, in time, deal with it. Remove it. Time will, no doubt, tell...
And I shall never wonder why I made a given decision again, wonder from where in my mind it bubble up. Now I shall know.
I hope no-one thinks that I am losing part of my humanity in doing this. I have not. Everything that made me, me, is still present. But now I know it. Know all of my secrets. And there is so much of myself I did not know.
I have never been further from crazed megalomania, as, as for schizophrenia, well, I imagine that that is now entirely impossible...
I did not realise that my apotheosis was opposed by some of the gods, to the extent, apparently, of Bastet being willing to kill me had I shown signs of pursuing my apotheosis for power alone, rather than knowledge. Rather worrying, to say the least. I seem to have convinced her that I am not intending to turn power-hungry, but still, I suspect I shall have to be careful...
Not too surprisingly, I shall, apparently, begin at the bottom of the hierarchy of the gods. Though I shall also, apparently, be able to move from there - hopefully upwards! - on my own merits. We shall have to see how this turns out...
I had a thought while with Anubis and Bastet regarding the Tree of Life. Namely, could it be that, given its position at the intersection of the various universal axes, the tree of Ygg could be the Tree of Life? Anubis and Bastet seem to think that it is, though this appears to be an item of knowledge lost in the mists of time. But what, I wonder, can we make of this information? What could we learn from studying it, perhaps? Or from talking to it?
Anubis and Bastet seemed rather concerned when I mentioned the cutting of Ygg which Corwin planted by his Pattern. And, to be honest, they are probably correct to so worry. what does the presence of a second Tree of Life mean for the universe? And how will the Mother and the Father react to its presence when they return? One hears that Corwin created his Pattern to, so he thought, save the universe. Could a second Tree of Life do likewise? Or will it be some form of disaster? I certainly hope the former...
And I now have my first Disciple - Thomas, a non-godly human initiated into some of the powers of the Gods. He has apparently been training for his goal, waiting to be assigned to a deity and being on Anubis' researchers, for some hundreds of years. As such, he appears to know far more of the business of being a god than I. And as such, it would appear that I will be quite relying on him for at least some time.
He seems to be quite reasonable, though far too willing for me to attempt to convert the population of Ensilarum into my worshippers. Something I am not willing to conscience, regardless of it short-term convenience. Hopefully I will eventually be able to convince him of this. I am dubious even of his suggestion of a mnemonic device to focus faith in myself, despite its alleged benefits for those who use it, and the fact that it will not change their view of myself...
He has proved his worth so far, by convincing me that my initial plan of introducing my church into worlds already having many such, so as to avoid conflicts and so on is not, perhaps, the best way to proceed, at least initially. Instead, his plan to introduce my church among shadows of non-religious primitives, giving them wisdom, as well as simply knowledge, and thus having them have faith in me.
I feel quite uncomfortable with this, I must admit. One more deity among many is one thing, but becoming the exclusive deity of ignorant primitives seems more than a little ...exploitative. And although I should be more than capable of being a benevolent deity to them, still, I am having them worship me. It seems ... wrong. Regardless of the good it may be, it seems, at its core, simply wrong.
On re-reading this, perhaps I am not so convinced of the rightness of Thomas' plan. That was why I wished, initially, to set up my church in places with many gods already present, so that the people there would have a choice in following me.
Hmmm... Perhaps I shall have to insist that we continue with my original plan.
To be perfectly honest, perhaps I can be a deity without any worshippers at all. Simply fed by people with faith in me, but who are not worshippers. Make followers by my good works, rather than simply by my being their goddess.
A thought occurs. Perhaps that is why I dislike the idea of my church, of being worshipped, quite so much. Perhaps because is it a church based on myself, and because of the, in my heart, I see it as a false church, a scam, a way of tricking all of these luckless shadow dwellers into giving me their faith, their power. I do not see myself as a deity, regardless of the powers I may possess.
So what am I to do?
I think my church is inevitable; it seems that one cannot be a deity without one. And godhood is, at least, a two-way process. I gain power from worship, but in all conscience I must give something back to them. Do all I can to use my powers - my godly role - to improve their lot. Perhaps, in time, that will ease my conscience. I hope so; the alternative is simply quashing my conscience, and I that I will not countenance. I would rather give up my godly status than that...
I do wonder, given his apparent age and skills, and the seeming need for new deities in certain areas such as the post I myself am taking up, why Thomas himself has not been deified. From what I have seen of him thus far he is far more qualified for the task than I. However, the most he seems to hope for is to become an Angel or a Demigod, a high-ranking servant, or a half-god.
This seems rather strange. Could it be that the gods are snobs? It would not really come as much of a surprise, given the attitude of their equivalents in the Royal Family of Amber...
Could part of my being chosen be, in part, because of my membership of that Family? I hope not, but fear that it is.
Apparently Thomas needs to know as much of me as is possible, to help in his helping me. And so I am telling him more of myself than I have, well, anyone. Certainly in recent years.
Telling him what I think of myself - curious, dedicated, conscientious, hardworking, just, intelligent and so on - and hearing his response - thoughtful, formal and serious - I might be insulted by what was said. If I felt I was being maligned. But I do not.
And he asked about friends. After thinking briefly on the topic, I told him that I felt I had none. I should really have mentioned Cerebaton, as he is, I think, a friend as well as my child, but other than him, no-one. And to be honest, why should I have friends? My upbringing in the Orphanarium in Verantium taught me how to live - how to be happy - without such. How to be self-contained. And I remain so.
I wonder if the gods object to the Amberites - Corwin and Bleys, for example - pretending to be gods so as to gain loyal followers for their various wars?
When Lord Anubis showed me how to place the impressions of people and places contained in my Trumps into the Aleph Lens, I did not realise that that would give a brief glimpse of the subject involved. And I most certainly did not expect to see father in his cell, presumably in the Empire of Chaos, when he was said subject!
As far as I could tell, my making a link to father at that point was a lucky fluke of the shifting relations of shadows, and the link quickly faded as those relations shifted again. But still, this gives me some hope that I could, perhaps, rescue father if I put my mind to it.
Of course, given what I know of his mental state, I suspect this might not be the wisest thing to do at present. At least not until facilities to contain and treat him have been procured...
Lord Anubis also showed me how to draw on the power of Faith to strengthen oneself, which at my level of learning allows one to strengthen ones mind, ones energies and ones strength only. The second of these allows one to use the Aleph, and other powers, by drawing on the power of Faith rather than ones own powers.
He also warned me of the addictive properties of such strengthenings. Apparently more younger deities die from being unable to control their use of the power, and coming to believe what their worshippers think of them than from any other cause. Others, unable to cope with the power but less ... misled ... by their worshippers, are merely banished from the power until they withdraw from it and learn to control it, and themselves.
And so I tried it. And Anubis was utterly correct. One could so easily fall into addiction. The increased awareness of the world, the increased intellect, and the briefly increased mental power are all so ... tempting. Particularly as it feels so good to so enhance oneself. Seductive. I must be on my guard at all times to avoid so falling.
As for enhancing one mind and energies together, that could truly be addictive. Nothing in my life had ever felt like this before, as if I had woken up understanding everything, as if I had been living half asleep in the dark cold of the night and had now awoken to the light of day. It felt so good. Alarmingly so. Filled with power, and able to do anything.
Even had Anubis had not used his Aleph Mirror to show me the possibilities, what might happen if I fell to the addiction of enhancing myself, I would have been wary of it. Wary of its temptation, of the corruption of power, of its seduction. But with that in addition, now I know the dangers of the power in way he could not have told me with words alone. A salutary lesson indeed. And one I will most certainly be heeding...
And indeed there is a second, separate danger to the power of Faith. The faith which I gain includes within it urges linked to my new area of responsibility - the learn, to seek knowledge. And if I am not careful that could quite easily grow into an uncontrollable need to learn. Another possibility regarding which I shall have to be careful.
Using the power of Faith to permanently defend myself, and my worshippers, was also a very useful ability to learn. And very simple, once I grasped the concepts. Not quite as effective as Trump Defence, but unlike it, once set up, it applies at a low level at all times. To both myself and my worshippers. Very useful indeed.
Anubis' teaching me the limits of the power by super-charging me the power of Faith was both instructive and most unpleasant. I have never felt so ... complete. So powerful. So intelligent.
And I gained some most useful insights from the process. Seeing how the nine Dragosian Clan Minds are formed, and linked symbiotically to their many bodies in shadow.
Seeing the Fire Pattern, and, unfortunately, being seen by its Iconic creature, the Lion.
Seeing through the Pattern of Amber into the universe of Sapphire (though not very far), and seeing the Black Unicorn sleeping there.
Seeing how the major powers - Pattern, Logrus, Aleph, Trump, the Dragosian powers, the powers of the Phoenix - link together. Seeing how the Tessaract fits into all this, and Magic, also. Seeing how everything connected to every Power is, in reality, just a different way in which the Great Beings gave their children the ability to work and reshape shadow and reality in limited ways that fit within the understanding of those who use it.
Beginning to see clues as to how Trump and Aleph might be linked together into the single power which they should be. Seeing how their powers overlap.
Seeing far through shadow, even to Chaos, and to father in his cell.
And then it went away. Even though this was not a surprise, the instant transition from vastly power entity to my normal, relatively tiny individual self was crushing. Most unpleasant, especially when including a brief period of blindness. But I recovered...
Although it is a very interesting power, I now worry that, having learned the power of the Aleph, it may be as much a liability as a help. It seems that the times when I require it the most will be the times when it is the most danger to me!
Of course, the other gods seem to cope perfectly well, but can I do the same? I certainly hope so...
Another rather ... alarming ... fact which I have learned from Lord Anubis is that reincarnation is a fact for everyone - all living things - throughout all of shadow. Apparently Lord Anubis judges the souls of the dead, and only when they have ... worked through ... their perceived sins and the memories of their life are they allowed to proceed on to their next incarnation, where their memories are wiped clean, and they have a fresh start in their new life.
Does this imply that all souls are in some fashion linked to Lord Anubis, and the other death-related gods? Or simply that when a person dies their soul travels to a place where those gods are? I do not know. And I wonder what happened before such gods existed, as may perhaps once have been the case? Or what would happen if one were killed? Also, do souls still go to them from places we cannot current reach, such as Sapphire?
It rather frightens me that such things happen. That all of the dead are still present in the universe, reborn into new forms. Perhaps even remembering parts of their former lives. And are all people reborn from earlier incarnations? Or do new souls also come into being from time to time? If the latter is not the case, then there must be some conservation of population across all of shadow...
Lord Anubis also suggested that I should, perhaps, talk to Bethalinda regarding Ashanah, my - our - mother. Apparently this is normally not allowed, as doing so slows down the time it takes for the soul to work through their lives and be returned to a the state of a blank slate, ready for rebirth. Only if the soul is in a place of rewards - such as the Elysian Fields - is there an exception to this rule. We shall have to see. And I shall most certainly have to consult with Iliskos...
And there are a number of things relating to the Aleph which I must try when I have the time. To begin with, copying all of my Trumps into the Aleph Lens. I wonder if this would allow me access to Sapphire? Aleph-powered spells is another thing I must try. Perhaps storing spells within the Aleph lens, as I do in Trumps. Seeing whether my various Trump abilities also apply to the Aleph. And I wonder if it would be possible to develop an 'Aleph Disrupt' power word based upon the Trump Disrupt word?
I must warn my people in Ensilarum of the dangers of intruders arriving via powers such as the Aleph. I certainly seemed to have no difficulty in making an Aleph link there, so I suspect others may not also. One might hope that monitoring of the Guardian Butterflies would allow any such intruders to be detected and, one hopes, dealt with...