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What with all the major events which been happening recently, both to me and on a larger scale, I felt it might be wise to put some of my thoughts on them down on paper, if only to clarify my own feelings about and interpretations of them.
Ever since I was old enough to understand, I had assumed that the reason why my mother wouldn't tell me anything about my father was because he was someone he shouldn't have been, either from the wrong House, or from the wrong level of society.
How wrong I was!
When I protested to mother about the arrangement of my betrothal to a Lady of House Helibore (of which, see more below), after I, and I think she, first heard of it, she became very cold and still, and sent me away.
Later, seeming angry, but not at me, she called me back, and told me there was nothing she could do about my betrothal, but that she could help me delay it, at least.
Then she told me about my father, for the first time ever. That he was, in fact, Prince Martin of Amber! I was speechless to say the least. But in addition to wanting to meet this new side of my family, I did, eventually, see how I could use this to delay my arranged betrothal by leaving for Amber at once.
Fortunately, for whatever reason, Mandor and Dara did not object, and so I came to Amber, by way of Corwin's Pattern, seeing the damage wrought to it and the Logrus there as I did so.
I enjoyed meeting these 'new' family members, especially my father, Martin, and my grandfather, King Random. However, initially at least, I kept my true relationship to the family of Amber quiet, as it was pointed out that I could be in the line of succession of three thrones, Chaos, Amber and Rebma. No wonder mother warned me that this was a sensitive issue! Not that I want to be in line for any throne!
It's strange, but in the short time since I left Chaos I've seen more of the Universe than I had in my whole life before. And what an interesting place it is!
And I have friends of my own age who are not servants too, for the first time, in Adam, Nicobrus, Taranis, Ishmael and Cuchulainn. At least I consider them my friends. They may think differently, of course. But I hope not.
It was very strange to find that you are half-descended from the blood of Amber; to find Dworkin is your great-great grandfather, when you had thought you were a full-blooded Chaosite.
But then, I suppose Cuchulainn felt the same way when he discovered that his father was really Sharru Garrul, one of the Sluach na Cein, and Taranis too whenever she discovered her ... relationship ... to the three women in Tir-Na'Nogth...
At least I seem to be getting on with my father reasonably well, unlike the problems Cuchulainn has had with his father since we discovered who he is.
I did have some (small, after what I have read of the War!) hopes that the Amber side of my family might have more respect for life than the Chaos side. Unfortunately, as I had feared, this is not so. Ah well, I suppose I'll just have to live with it in Amber like I do in Chaos, and do what I can to stop needless killing...
Zephyr, at least, seems to be coping well with life outside of Chaos, improving even despite several close encounters with the Pattern. Good! I just hope nothing happens to it in future; it has already been hurt, but at least it seems to have accepted my teaching it how to shapeshift wounds away.
Apparently the source of all our woes is Cymnea, one of Oberon's earliest (ex-)wives, a scion of House Fengyre, and the mother of Princes Benedict, Finndo, and Osric. What has possessed her to do what she is doing, even to the extent of sacrificing one of her own sons by turning him into or merging him with her power source? Could Oberon and Chaos really both have wronged her so much?
Does she really hate everyone not descended from and to loyal to her as much as she seems to? Why? Is she just mad, or is there something more to it than that simple explanation? I wonder if we'll ever know, because I can't help feeling there are many who won't want to see her alive at the end of this.
I feel ... disheartened by the death of King Swayville. He had been King for so long it seemed like he was Chaos. but now he is gone, and Chaos continues. I wonder who will succeed him? Not an extremist, I hope. Thinking about it, I suppose the Amberites must have felt the same when their King Oberon died.
And Cymnea was, in part, responsible; by damaging the Logrus, she weakened Swayville sufficiently that he died. If I believed in such things, I would say that that alone was deserving of her death, regardless of what else she has done. Fortunately, I do not. There's been enough death already, though there are many who won't let that stop them, of course.
On top of the Kings death, there was the ... accident ... at the funeral, when uncle Gramble ... fell ... into the Abyss. Although the loss of the King was a more serious blow for Chaos, I feel Gramble's death more. I had only been introduced to His Majesty once or twice, whereas Gramble was the Head of my House, and so much more well known to me. I hate to think how mother must feel over the loss of her brother. I must visit her again when I have the chance.
Although moves are afoot to select a replacement Head of House, I still hold out hope that Gramble may return or be rescued, especially after we discovered that people can be recovered from the Abyss by finding the Abyss-flayed corpse of Deirdre hanging from the Daolbh Craobhach (along with that ominous empty noose beside it). Of course, we have no idea how this is done, but even so, it was encouraging, in a macabre way.
I just hope Cuchulainn doesn't resent my telling him about our discovery. He seemed so happy when his mother came back from Tir-Na Nog'th, and so shocked when he heard what I had to say. I know he might do something foolhardy, but I felt he had to know, even if it hurt him. She is his mother, after all, and the fact that her body was there at all implies she was alive when she was hung there. In that case, who is the Dierdre who is in Amber now? Dierdre's mind, somehow transmigrated into a made-real Tir-Na Nog'th ghost? Hopefully! And hopefully not Brand. I suppose the empty noose on the Daolbh Craobhach is a point towards Dierdre not really being Brand, at least.
I wonder how Taranis feels about her father? Especially now when it seems he may well have escaped (or been rescued) from the Abyss. And I wonder how I would feel if I met him, given what he did to my father.
When we sneaked into the library of House Fengyre, I saw why some people enjoy all of this sneaking around, subterfuge, and spying. However, when I saw the others casually killing the guards we came across in Cymnea's citadel, any illusions I had about the romance of spying were quickly shattered.
At least, while we were not entirely successful in finding the information we went into the House Fengyre library to learn, and were betrayed on the way out, we did find some information which was ... intriguing ... to say the least.
Two contradictory accounts of how the Serpent came to be pre-eminent (at least at this end of the Universe), which did agree on the existence of God-like primordial beings from which the Serpent ... obtained Its power in some fashion, something which may relate to the origins of the Keys of the Serpent too. And an account of the events which caused the Barimens to be exiled; apparently they, or at least Dworkin, my great-great grandfather (and how strange it sounds to refer to Dworkin that way!), were attempting to deal with these ... primordial entities. Could they have something to do with the Pattern? I wonder if we'll ever know?
And a few titbits of Sawall history came out too. I, at least, never knew we had ever been joined to House Rathrune (apparently in marriage), with the two houses splitting apart again sometime around when the Pattern was drawn. I wonder what the story behind that was!?
What has happened to Taranis? I don't know why, but she seems to be ... mad ... now, or at least far more so than before. Why? I could ask her I suppose, but I can't but feel she would just bite my head off. Again. I truly hope she isn't manifesting the reputed madness of her father.
And all because I wouldn't follow her and Cuchulainn's instructions to the letter when we were going through the Necrolith; one might think they had actually been selected as group leaders by the rest of us.
All right, I admit it, the main reason I ignored Cuchulainn and Taranis' requests was Fear. I was scared of the Ghouls and what they might do, and felt safest in my Demon form.
At least neither she nor Cuchulainn were in charge when we went into Cymnea's citadel; Adam was, and he makes an infinitely better leader, I can't help feeling.
But Cuchulainn actually threatened me! Put a sword to my throat (quite impressive in itself, given how much we were both moving to avoid the Ghouls). At least he didn't kill me when I refused to do what he said, mainly, I think (I hope!), because he's not the type. But even so, to threaten someone, and a relative too, like that! If I'd have had the time I would have been appalled, but I was more frightened of the Ghouls than of Cuchulainn's sword.
I imagine Cuchulainn has never threatened someone who took more offence than I did, and was capable of doing something about it (I realise I have no chance in a straight fight against him, for example). I feel he may get seriously hurt when that happens. Hopefully he'll learn a little restraint before that happens, though.
Adam seems remarkably calm and unconcerned for someone whose father is missing. If mother or Martin were missing, I imagine I'd be frantic by now. Does Adam really not care, or is he just a consummate actor?
At least our infiltration of Cymnea's hidden Universe of De'alund, and her citadel there, had some results other than needless death. The discovery of a lost member of the family of Amber, King Random's twin sister Mirelle (or Morag, the name she was going by in De'alund), was certainly an unexpected bonus. I hope her being found cheered Random up a little, in the midst of our current problems. It's a pity she's just as bloodthirsty as most other people, but I'm glad we found her, and that she's now re-walked the Pattern and regained her memories.
We also rescued Princess Fiona from her prison sphere (or more accurately stole the sphere itself, and got Fiona out later), and took the four living people hanging from the branches of the Daolbh Craobhach away with us. One of them was Lady Salia, the former Chaos ambassador to Amber. How she got there is a mystery. Another was Prince Corwin. Two other men had the Amberite family resemblance but were no-one I (or any of the others) recognised. More mysteries!
And lastly, we did ... obtain ... the empowered mirror which allowed us to recover Queen Vialle. A great pity it broke before we could also recover she and Random's newborn son, but at least we have now seen enough of where he is to recognise it if we ever find it (unfortunately, not an easy proposition as it seems to be barred to Trump and Logrus, but...).
And I finally met my selected Bride-to-be, Lady Lillith of House Helibore, at the wake we held for King Swayville. Unexpectedly, she is not (or at least appears not to be) the cold-hearted killer I was expecting, or was afraid she would be, but instead seemed quite intelligent and thoughtful, as well as very attractive.
She was not at all put off by my polite attempts to discourage her from taking an interest in me. The great coup it would be for her house to marry into Sawall may have had something to do with this. Apparently she has assayed the Logrus at what seems a very young age; it makes me wonder whether her seeming youth is merely a facade. Of course, she could be shapechanged into a highly appealing form as well as an accomplished actress, but to be honest, I hope not...
I also was less than convinced by her implication that I could save her from having to become an assassin by marrying her; it hardly seems like a sound basis for a marriage.
But do I really want to be married? I can't feel too enthusiastic, even after actually meeting Lillith, but if Dara and Mandor really want it, I think it may happen regardless of my desires in the matter. Even if I feel too ... young ... to get married.
I could always use the ... get-out ... Taranis suggested, that I claim I was already engaged to her. But although hers was a generous offer, it feels wrong to lie over such a thing, especially as it would involve her in my ... in-House problem. And of course, given how Taranis has been behaving recently, I'm not sure she would even go along with her own suggestion any more...
What with Taranis' current mental state, I'm not sure I should really give her the voidworm egg (voidworm being the name of Zephyr's species) Adam asked me to obtain for her, if and when it arrives. I'm concerned whether she would raise it properly at the moment. Of course, it could also help her mental state, I suppose. I'll just have to make up my mind when the time comes.
What to do if I decide not to give it to Taranis? I can't keep it for myself; Zephyr is quite enough, and would be jealous. Perhaps Lillith would like it?
A second point of hope in the midst of all this unpleasantness was the happy discovery that Merlin survives, albeit no longer in Human form but as his mind in some kind of puissant Trump-powered construct. This was certainly good news after seeing his state when Taranis' brother Luke led us to him initially, and what happened to him afterward that. Apparently Lord Suhey is trying to discover a means to return Merlin to human form. May he soon achieve success!
I hope I managed to convince Mandor that my loyalties have not shifted to Amber. I realise how he could think they had, after I didn't tell him everything when I and the others were in Chaos recently. But my loyalties are to my family on both sides of my heritage, not just one. Can't he see that?
Perhaps I should have talked to Mandor without Ishmael being present, when I finally did report recent events to him, but I suppose that would have looked equally suspicious. Oh well, at least it clarifies where I stand at present, but still, this fence-sitting is not a highly comfortable position to be in!
At least, for the present, the needs of both Courts coincide, as far as I can see, so hopefully I will be able to continue to sit on the fence for the time being. I just hope it never comes down to a straight choice between Chaos and Amber, as I just don't know what I would do then.
Even King Random is asking me to choose. I didn't like saying 'No' to a grandparent, but for now my loyalties to Chaos stand. I realise that in Amber I would be a bigger fish, if only because of my being in a smaller pond. But my loyalties are more to family than throne; obviously a problem with family in both Courts!
I do wonder how Random feels about me. I must have come as a bit of a shock to him, given that Martin hadn't actually told him who I was, and he was told by accident. I hope my treating him more as King than grandfather has not distanced me from him too much since then. Assuming, given all that's been going on lately, that he's had any time at all to think about a grandchild turning up out of the blue!
I just hope he allows me to inform Mandor of what happened in the meeting. I didn't like agreeing not to tell without Random's say-so, but I felt I could do more for Chaos and Sawall by being inside the meeting than just blindly following its outcome. I hope Mandor sees it the same way, and I don't have to decide whether or not to break my word to Random. Unfortunately, I still fear Mandor enough, even at the other end of the Universe from him, that I feel obliged to keep him informed of what occurs.
I can't help but think that Random is making an error in not asking more senior representatives of Chaos than Nicobrus and I to be present at the discussions of what to do about Cymnea. And also by not following the suggestion, originally made by Taranis (though she denied this for some reason) and repeated by me, to my chagrin, that his newborn son be disinherited until it can be shown that Cymnea hasn't turned him into one of her minions. But he is the King of Amber, and the decision was his to make.
Taranis seemed to think that my repeating her suggestion after Random had already announced his decision was something to do with my not having sworn loyalty to him. Not so! We were there to advise him, as far as I was aware, and I did so. I would have said the same thing to the King of Chaos Himself, had the situation warranted it. I may not be have loyalty to him as King, but I do have loyalty to him as family. Strange that I find standing up to royalty so much easier than standing up to the Ghouls in the Necrolith. The difference between the demon you know and that you don't, I suppose.
I do wonder where Nicobrus' loyalties lie though. He seems to have few ties to Malrax, and fewer to his father, Bleys (whose recent actions, I must admit, make him seem more than a little suspicious). Perhaps it is just that he keeps his head down when politics rears its head, or perhaps he is simply the hedonist he sometimes appears to be. Perhaps I should follow his example and simply 'go with the flow'. But that feels like doing a disservice to Sawall, and Chaos as a whole. This duty (and, to be honest, fear of Mandor) can be hard at times. I hope I'm up to it in the long run.