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I killed someone. I didn't mean to, but it happened none the less. So much for my high ideals. It was a demon. But it was still a person. The final fight before we gained victory was so terrible, and I was scared of it so that I didn't think I could just put it down on the ground without having to fight it all over again. So I just held it with the Logrus. But so much was happening, and I had so little time to think, and was putting so much effort into just staying together in the midst of that ... hell, that no better alternative came to mind. And then I used it as a battering ram. I knew, intellectually, how powerful the Logrus could be, but it was driven home into my heart when I saw what I had done to the demon. I was nearly sick, and the feeling of sickness just wouldn't go away, even when I tried to save it to the best of my ability, and it nevertheless died.
It's ... shocking that no-one else thinks what I did was in the least bit wrong. Can they really be so hardened to killing that It means nothing to them. Adam at least would seem to be that way, at least as far as 'unreal' beings are concerned - he seems to think that 'unreal' beings are nothing, worthless. At least my father didn't deride me out loud, though he was obviously thinking it.
I thought I'd never sleep again, but eventually my exhaustion was too much, and I slept anyway.
I need to redeem myself, in my own eyes, at least. I hope I can do that with my work at the Blood Alley Hospice. I deliberately picked the hospital in the worst part of Amber city (and, it would seem, the worst hospital in the city), but I think that, now that the administration of the place has been ... sorted out, I can do useful work there. I admit I'm partly doing this to redeem myself in my own eyes, but also because of my letting the work I did among the Unhoused in Chaos with Karlin Praxithea lapse because of the weight of recent events. Does this negate the good I'm doing, that I'm partly doing it for myself? I don't think so - I am genuinely helping people after all. Saving lives to make up for the one I took. Even if circumstances make me give up my work there in the future (though I hope they won't), the work I did will still remain, so I suppose that helps.
Taranis had possibly the worst experience of any of us - she drew on the power of the Moonstone to sustain herself to such an extent that she had no life her own left, and would have died if she had let go of it. How terrible that must have been, to know your life could end if your hand became tired. At least, with the aid of Deirdre, she was able to recover, and in fact seems to have regained her equilibrium to a great extent since then.
It's a pity we had to destroy the Daolbh Craobhach; it was older than the Patterns of Amber, maybe as old as the Logrus itself. But it had been so irretrievably corrupted by Cymnea that there was no other choice (at least, that seemed to be the general opinion). I hope Osric, trapped within it, didn't suffer too much when it was destroyed.
I do wonder why the Sluach wouldn't let Nicobrus and I assist in the search for Dundarek, while the Amberites were allowed to assist freely. Apparently it's because a Chaosite betrayed their hospitality a long, long time ago, and stole some of their secrets. From what we have discovered, that Chaosite was Dworkin, who went on to create Amber, which as far as I can discern has caused the Sluach far more harm, more recently, than Chaos ever did. Are Sluach, as a race, senile, able to remember slights done to them thousands of years ago, but unable to remember those done to them recently? Or is there something more to it, which I am missing?
It was distressing to see how many Amberite dead there were after things had calmed down. It seems there must be as many dead as are alive, now. It was ... interesting, I suppose ... to hear the somewhat strange ceremony they used. Heretical, I imagine others might say. Still, I suppose they have to have different ceremonies without an Abyss in which to lay the bodies to rest.
And the body of the late King Oberon, which we recovered from Cymnea's citadel, was stolen during the service. The general opinion seems to be that Dworkin took it. Why, no-one can say. I just hope this doesn't cause further trouble in the future, but I fear it might...
And if the new Monarch of Chaos turns out to be, despite our best efforts, Valdemar of Fengyre? What then? I couldn't swear loyalty to the man who betrayed Chaos to Cymnea! But if there is no agreed-upon alternative monarch, what then? Could it lead to civil war in the Courts? That would be even worse than having a traitor King!
To further complicate the issue of succession in Chaos is what we have discovered about Queen Vialle's parentage, namely that she is a descendant of King Swayville, the only one known. I'm sure that would be a big shock to the anti-Amberites in Chaos if it ever got out - I must agree with King Random that keeping this information secret is the best idea at present.
With King Swayville dead I suppose that leaves an opening for a major house in Chaos. I wonder if there will be a new one? And if so, which of the minor houses gets promoted?
I'm a little sorry I wasn't in the mood to enjoy Cuchulainn's party on his shadow, Erin, but I wasn't really in the ... mood ... for a party at the time. And I wasn't too keen on Erin once we arrived there either - it seemed far too violent and anarchic for my taste after recent events. However, when she sang Taranis' song struck me straight to the heart. A pity the song of Cuchulainn's exploits, sung by someone named Ruad, did not do the same at all.
I am glad Lillith showed up, though. I wasn't enthusiastic when someone suggested I Trump her to the party, because of my black mood, but I'm glad someone caused her to arrive there. It's ... good to talk to someone who understands (or at least seems to).
Apparently Lillith didn't want this betrothal either, and it was arranged for her by her mother. In the same way that she isn't what I expected in someone from Helibore, she says I'm not what she was expecting in a Sawall. Do others really see all Sawalls as so deceitful and manipulative? I suppose it's a useful front to have, but I'm not like that, and I wouldn't like to be!
Regarding our impending nuptials, Lillith is of the opinion that we should go along with our respective elders as far as our getting married is concerned, then warp what Dara, Mandor and her parents (apparently she is the daughter of the head of Helibore, Duke Garek, and Lady Lucretia, his wife), want to go our own way. This seems like a good plan, though I'm not entirely sure how this is supposed to be achieved. I hope she means it. It's a much better idea than anything I've come up with. And if we could pull it off? It would certainly show them all a thing or two, that we're not quite the malleable puppets they thought we were - that they made a mistake in choosing us, and that we're not the pawns they thought we were. Perhaps we should both move to Amber; that way at least we're as far from those manipulating us as possible.
And then we kissed, and then we were in the stable. I never would have thought a stable could be such a ... comfortable place! Perhaps it's the company that makes it so. Lillith seems to know a lot about ... making love, but not to be experienced at it. Was that part of her training in Helibore? I suppose it could have been. I was trained to fight, after all, even though it's not something I ... would willingly do. I suppose we all get taught things we don't want to learn. But she seemed as ... enthusiastic ... to do what we did as I was.
Perhaps Erin isn't so bad after all.
If Taranis and Martin coming down to breakfast on Erin together is an indication that he is sleeping with Taranis, what does that mean for his relationship with mother? I hope he's not going to hurt her by this.
Lillith and I went around Amber after I invited her there. When I was showing her the Hospice, she said we were being followed. I couldn't see anyone, but I can't see any reason why she should lie about such a thing. I wonder who it was? Amber? Chaos? Someone else? Hopefully time will tell...
I think I love her, even though I've met her so few times. But .. do I trust her entirely? I do wonder why Zephyr still seems so dubious about her. She seems to know a lot about what is going on. But maybe stuff I should have worked out for myself. I do hope she is what she seems...