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I kept myself at a distance from Corwin during the peaceful times. I didn't want him to think he could control my life due to our presumed relationship. Now that he is dead I wish I had spent more time with him, got to know him better, even if I never really saw him as a father. Only Zanvar on Tan'Shakar will ever be that. I saw Corwin more as a big brother, and a drinking partner. That makes his death no less of a blow, though. What's worse is that his death was so meaningless, just a message from Caine or someone pretending to be him, to underline his demand that he be given the throne of Amber.
I was particularly impressed by Linfarns behaviour. When he told me of Corwins death (why he in particular got the task I have no idea) he showed all the tact and sensitivity usually associated with clubbing someone around the head. Although I tried to hold back my grief so I could continue to function effectively through the crisis, pushing it into another mind, it still leaked through. I couldn't seem to stop it.
We held a wake in Corwins favourite inn in the city. His songs were sung and much drinking occurred. It helped somewhat to commemorate his life rather than mourn his death. Ruthven officiated at Corwins funeral. Benedict didn't come to the funeral, and because of that Linfarn was also unable to attend, though I hope he wanted to. Why did Benedict not attend? Doesn't he care that his brother is dead?
Is this another excuse for revenge? I'm sure Linfarn would view it as such, but I don't. Would it bring Corwin back? No. Would it start another vicious circle of revenge? Most likely.
I had almost forgotten how much it hurts to have to kill an innocent. But as usual with these things there was no choice. We couldn't stop Ghostwheel being enslaved by Caine or whoever it was. When we cut the link though which it was being controlled a new one was formed within minutes. Ghostwheel couldn't stop them; they used some kind of 'back door' into its systems. So Dalt told us to kill it, and unfortunately there were no alternative courses of action we could take. So we infiltrated into its heart and killed it. I stalled it while explosives were planted. How human, almost childlike, it seemed when I talked to it!
What a genius Merlin must have been to invent Ghostwheel. I've not seen its like in all my travels through Shadow. I wish there had been another way. We destroyed something totally unique. I wish I could have got to know it better.
Linfarn, as usual, missed the point. He only saw Ghostwheel as a machine, and a danger, not the intelligent being and innocent victim that it was. He had no more qualms about killing it than he would have had in breaking down a door. If he would get out into Shadow more then maybe he would come to understand these things better, but I have my doubts.
I hope that at least its death had meaning, and hurt whoever was controlling it. To have killed it for nothing would make what we did even worse, especially after Corwins meaningless death.
Also during this time Linfarn had the chance he'd been waiting for for so long, to strike at Caine when he came through to 'help' us. Gregory tried to intervene, but was unable to stop Linfarn inflicting wounds that would normally be considered fatal. Unfortunately, Caine seems to have survived with no permanent ill-effects and I suspect Linfarn will not get another chance to strike as he did.
It was strange. When we were infiltrating Ghostwheel things seemed to click between Gregory, Linfarn, Ruthven and I, and together we overcame things none of us could have tackled alone. It's a pity that such an unpleasant mission should be the one to do such a thing.
On a happier note, Nemain and Dalt have married in the castle cathedral. The feelings between them seem to have built up over the ten quiet years, though they kept things quiet until the actual announcement. I was surprised that Julian was the one to perform the ceremony, but he seemed to do a good job. Benedict showed tact to rival Linfarns by presenting Nemain with a crib as wedding present, as well as intercepting the wedding presents from various family members. At least Mrao, my gift, seemed to cheer her up somewhat.
Caine was present at the wedding, which was definitely a surprise. I half expected Linfarn to try and kill him despite the truce which was in force, but he didn't. Caine admitted his actions on Tan'Shakar, but his apology for them was lacking in sincerity to say the least. He claimed to know nothing about the killing of Corwin, though it is hard to say whether he was telling the truth or not.
I appreciate Nemains trusting me to be the one to make sure she is capable of conceiving, and to attend whenever she should bear a child in future. She told me how much she worries about dying in childbirth as her mother did. Although she wants a natural unassisted childbirth in Amber I intend to do my utmost to make sure nothing of the kind happens to her.
I hope that she and Dalt are happy together. She seems at least half convinced that Dalt is only marrying her in order to provide an heir to the throne. From the number of eligible women who have been introduced to Dalt since he became king, and whom he has rejected, I think there is much more to Dalts feelings than just that. I just hope she comes to realise this.