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Damn you, Caine. The Silver Flame went out when we reached Amber. Was the whole invasion of Tan'Shakar a ploy to get me off the sidelines and onto the larger stage? While you may have felt justified in doing so, did you have to kill so many, cause so much suffering? Couldn't you have found a better way? Should I hunt you down like so many would do? I think not. The universe has enough spirals of vengeance without my adding another one. On the other hand will I ever trust or forgive you? Once again, I think not.
Still, I found Tan'Shakar in the end, more than fifty local years after I left. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Certainly not what I found - a fairly peaceful society, with the Knights of the Silver Flame having liberalised to a great degree. I looked for Zerala when I first arrived. She may have still been alive, if old, when I came back, but there was no trace of her. She is certainly dead by now. I hope she didn't suffer. It soon became obvious that the Knights were no longer really the enemy. I could have raised an army and led it against the Knights, destroyed them and restored Tan'Shakar. But what good would it have done? Inflicting suffering to balance or undo the suffering they caused? Why? All those involved in the invasion of Tan'Shakar were dead or very old, and their descendants had almost built a decent society. What would have been the point to destroying it and rebuilding on another layer of rubble? I realised that my dream of restoring Tan'Shakar to the way I knew it was an impractical one. After what had happened it could never have been the same.
I considered simply changing the minds of the high ranking Knights to make them into a new meritocracy, or becoming the high priest and changing things that way, but it would only have lasted as long as they lived, or I chose to stay and maintain it. Far better to work inside the system to build a power base and change the Knights into the meritocracy gradually, so that it would be self-sustaining. Seventy years of work it took, a Tan'Shakar lifetime. Although it was often hard to keep my focus, and sometimes unpleasant, I saw it through to the end, even though the end sometimes seemed very far away. Was it worth it? I think so. The changes were made as painless as possible; war and unnecessary bloodshed were avoided. I feel I have expiated my previous failure, and the spreading of meritocracy to the other shadows ruled by the Knights is only a bonus. I feel calmer, less torn and more at peace than I had for a long time. Even if unpleasantness should occur in the future, I feel I should be able to handle it.
I have given up hunting for pleasure. I find I no longer enjoy it. Perhaps this comes from my decades as a priest of the Knights of the Silver Flame, or perhaps I have matured sufficiently that I no longer find pleasure in death of any kind. I find that I no longer drink as heavily too, maybe for the same reasons.
Although Tan'Shakar is still close to my heart I feel I can no longer devote my life to it. My eyes have been opened by walking the Pattern, and the universe is too large, too varied, too strange and too full of wonders for any world to hold me for too long. However, although Tan'Shakar may no longer be my home, it made me in large part what I am, and for that reason I have watched over it for more than 200 Tan'Shakar years, and intend to continue doing so for as long as I am able. I suppose Amber has become my home now, as much as anywhere is, although I only visit it occasionally.
The huge variety of shadows I have seen has considerably eroded my disapproval of Amber. It is said that travel broadens the mind, and experiencing more cultures and societies than I once though possible has convinced me that this is true. I have associated with all types of people on all types of worlds and I think I better understand how circumstances can help to make people what they are. There is just so much variety in shadow that, although there is much in Amber I do not approve of, I have come to accept it as part of the spectrum of possibilities. Many shadows are far worse than Amber, and their squalor seems a constant between them, whereas the high points of societies vary widely. Although I would like to change them all, I can (and have!) only change individual shadows. There is nothing I can do to help every shadowite who needs it. Callous? Uncaring? Maybe. But I can't help everyone!
When I left Tan'Shakar after seventy years of duty and dedication, I was worried that I might have forgotten some important things. How to laugh. How to have fun! I set off determined to rediscover them. After strenuous testing on a number of worlds I found that there was hope, but more work would be required. With this in mind I set off and soon found that I was enjoying myself more than I had since before the Knights of the Silver Flame invaded Tan'Shakar so long ago. Maybe it was my long abstinence, or maybe it is simply that atoning for my failure that allows me to enjoy myself without it being tainted with guilt at my having fun while others suffered on Tan'Shakar. Whatever, a good time was had by many. After constant change began to pall, I joined a travelling circus on Delran, a medieval shadow, and stayed with them for about five years. They were all good people, and I had a good time there, doing most of the jobs in the circus for at least a while, and learning a lot. I suspect some would say this was a demeaning thing for an Amberite to do, but what do they know?
Part of my time once I left Tan'Shakar has been spent in improving my shapechanging ability. I feel as if I have reached the end of the obvious extensions of the power. Perhaps more will come later, but for now I think I should merely hone what I already have. As it stands I have a hugely versatile set of abilities, including those of the various creatures I have studied. After mastering the ability to change others I tried to remove Linfarns scars. Although I did so the effect only lasted for a couple of days. It seems Amberites are just too resistant to these things! I even studied Dalt (with his permission!), so as to be able to duplicate him if necessary. When I took his form I was overwhelmed. It seems I might never have become myself again if Dworkin had not intervened, thanks to Nemain. Losing myself like that is a frightening prospect, and I do not think I will be trying that aspect of my powers again for a long time!
As animals seem to be a more reliable means of transport through shadow than vehicles, I spent some ten subjective years in the greatest riding academies of a number of worlds, honing my riding skills on a variety of different beasts. When I had learnt as much as I could I sought out a steed which would complement my skills. Eventually I found Landrak, a shadow of expanding feudal city states. In a market there I found a 'devil horse', a very rare breed from the steppes of Landrak which are occasionally captured by trading caravans. They are a curiosity as they are deadly, untameable and untrainable. They are usually bought to be killed for their bulletproof skins or to be put in zoos and freak shows (where they soon die). I saw in this 'devil horse' the steed I wanted, and, after outbidding others there, purchased him. The crowd were amazed when he went with me peacefully (thanks to my controlling his mind). I named him Cirrus and over time trained him into a superb warhorse. I know I could have almost anything I wish for in shadow, but what else do I truly need? Physical goods are easy to come by. I have Chameleon to defend myself with, my powers to aid me, and Cirrus to carry me where I wish to go. In truth, what more do I need?
Nemain, Ruthven and Linfarn all seem to have mellowed to varying degrees over time. Thanks mainly to me Nemain no longer wears only grey. She seems to spend most of her time looking after Chase, Rinaldo's son, on Begma. With her powers she could have done almost anything. I occasionally wonder why she didn't. She doesn't seems to an adventurous type, in contrast to most other Amberites. Perhaps that explains it. Ruthven's being with Cassandra, the girl he was introduced to at Dalt's coronation, seems to have healed or at least softened many of his scars. Linfarn seems to have been almost continually being trained by Benedict for the last ten years. He seems to be trying to turn himself into a second Benedict. No accounting for taste I suppose. Gregory seems to have spent a long period of time travelling shadow with Eric. I went along with them for a time, and he became the only one who I have told the full story of Tan'Shakar. He took it rather well, all told. Corwin seems fully recovered, his arm has grown back, and he has walked the Pattern to fully restore his memory. Dalt seems to be doing a good job as king, but has been under pressure since day one to produce an heir and secure the succession. So far he has not done so. For myself, I have spent my time constructively, often on fast time shadows, travelling, experiencing new worlds, learning useful skills. I have had a number of short term relationships, both in Amber and out in shadow, but so far I find I have no desire to settle down. I suppose not ageing tends to make the traditional urge for continuation of the family line far less urgent. I suppose I may be solitary in nature, though I don't really feel lonely, and have not really since I finished changing the Knights.
How old am I now? I'm not sure of the exact value, but I can make a rough guess. I was about thirty-five when I left Tan'Shakar. It took about seventy years following my return there to change it to my satisfaction. I wandered for a time after that, a few years, then joined the circus for about five years. I spent ten years learning medicine, another ten honing my riding skills, and a further ten learning police work. Around and between these periods I must have played tourist through shadow for maybe twenty years. Adding it all up, I must be over 160 years old! I'm glad I don't feel it! Of course, I'm still a stripling compared to the time the elders have lived, although I feel this becomes considerably more debatable when mental ages are considered! I like to think I'm wiser now, but is it true? Will I hold up under pressure, when it really matters? I hope so. Only time will tell.
When Ruthven suggested we go to Tir Na Nog'th in order to see visions which may point to future events I was sceptical that anything useful would come of it. This was essentially borne out by what happened. All of us saw disturbing things, and Nemain will not even talk about what happened to her. All it seemed to do was provide each of us with a number of disturbing and highly ambiguous images. According to Ruthven these can be of the past, the future, or what might have been, with no real way to distinguish between them, and the possibility that the visions lie anyway, or are somehow under the control of Caine! Worryingly, one of my visions showed myself shapechanged into Eric, at a desk in the library of Amber. When I later had Nemain examine the real version of the desk, just to be on the safe side, she found an item of power, part of a metal helix, concealed inside. This had somehow been placed there within the previous month. What does it mean? Fate only knows. Ruthven mentioned that Hecate, the sword-cane which he occasionally uses for divining information, is from Tir Na Nog'th. Having now been to Tir Na Nog'th I am no longer surprised at the ambiguous nature of the information Hecate provides. I don't think it would be wise to go there again, although I feel a pull to do so. Ruthven has said he used to go there regularly as he grew up, and I can see that it could become addictive, the urge simply to see more images, what could be or might have been. Something else to guard against. Joy!