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Perhaps I've just stopped caring since Tan'Shakar. Fate knows I used to care for a cause, the good of Tan'Shakar, but then I left in our abortive attempt to destroy the Knights and walked the Pattern after I was rescued by Dalt, and when I transported myself home from there Tan'Shakar had been defeated for three years, and everything that made it what it was had been destroyed by the Knights. Why didn't I do something about it, even then? I might have been able to get some people out, maybe build a new Tan'Shakar elsewhere. But I didn't. Why? A final realisation of the true hopelessness of our cause perhaps? Cowardice? The death of my heart at last?
Perhaps. If so it started to wither long before, when it became obvious we couldn't defeat the Knights in straight warfare - they were just much better at it than us. My decision to simply hurt the Knights as much as possible in the hope that their casualties would eventually become too much for them to bear was the hardest I ever made. I hope I never have to make another like it. Using nuclear weapons was bad enough, but with all the difference they made to the final outcome I may as well have ordered our surrender then. They must have killed far more people than the Knights ever did. I remember visiting one of the cities we destroyed. Horrible. But what choice did we, no, I have? Fate knows, Zerala and her husband might still have been alive in Benkrant, but I ordered the city destroyed anyway. There was no alternative that I could see! I was T's only hope, and I failed them. I suppose I should look at what happened rationally. No one else on Tan'Shakar could have done better than I did. As I failed that doesn't really help. If there had been someone of lesser ability in charge then maybe there would have been a faster defeat and fewer deaths.
No wonder I spent the next few months drunk. Guilt will do that to a person, and pain. Not that it helped really. Now at least I can look back on things without being overwhelmed by my feelings, but I have become colder and harder than I was. Will I ever be able to feel in the same way I did when I was younger? I doubt it. Some wounds go too deep to ever heal. At least the scars cover them over enough that I no longer feel the pain so intensely. I can now enjoy myself again, rather than just drinking for oblivion, but even that is always overshadowed by my failure. Only a fair reminder really...
At least I am now no longer alone. Dalt told me about the Family of Amber when he took me to walk the Pattern (no, Corwin's Pattern) but at the time I was occupied by thoughts of Tan'Shakar. Since time gave me enough distance from Tan'Shakar that I no longer needed to continually blur my mind with alcohol I began to look for a cause, something to live for. Then I met the White Lady, who seems to be in league with Dalt, and she led me to meet with the three who I now accompany - Ruthven, Nemain and Linfarn.
Unfortunately, none of these three is precisely without flaws to their character (not that I'm in much of a position to comment on the flaws of others), but they are the only friends and comrades I currently have.
Where Ruthven originates from I have no idea. From his general demeanour and preferences it would seem somewhere dark and depressing. Although he seems to be about the most intelligent of the three he does show a worrying tendency to sometimes act without thinking.
Nemain is something of an enigma. Although she seems to be the youngest of the four of us she has by far the greatest understanding of the pattern, and hence truly vast power. However, she also seems inexperienced, implying that she may have lead some kind of cloistered life of study until recently. This could easily lead to problems in the future. I did think her the most reasonable of the three until recently, but her mental assault on Linfarn and I when we killed that (most deserving) sphinx, then her and Ruthvens leaving us there, has caused me to revise my opinion. This was not helped by her unwillingness or inability to justify her actions later. I only hope she will mature as she spends more time away from her studies.
Lastly, Linfarn. He appears to be from some kind of warlike medieval society. Despite his claims of adherence to some outmoded code of honour he unfortunately appears to be an ethical primitive, and despite his skill at arms not particularly bright either. He also has a worrying tendency to moodiness and is far too prone to act without considering the consequences. However, he has a certain rough charm and we agree on enough things that we can work well enough together.
And then there is the rest of the Family of Amber. The vast majority of them seem to have been killed or crippled recently, some by outsiders, some by family in-fighting. Unfortunately, from what I have been able to discover, some of the deaths have been no great loss, though in fact, on consideration, it seems that many of the nicer members of the family have been among those who died, leaving those of a more a dubious nature alive. Admittedly, many of these are on the other side of Corwins Pattern, and so now inaccessible, but this seems to be a worrying trend.
How should I feel about finding my genetic family after so long? I'm not sure. It is good to know that I have relatives, but my biological parents remain a mystery. Does this bother me? To be honest I really don't care. Blood is the least of the things which makes me what I am. Zanvar and Elisten were my real parents, regardless of who I'm related to. I can't see finding out who my biological parents were changing that. They raised me as their own and are in large part responsible for who and what I now am, for which I'll always be grateful.
In some ways I almost wish I'd never found out who my blood relatives are. My own imaginings were far more palatable than the creatures (perhaps too strong a word!) so many of them turned out to be. Despite their age, and, so one would think experience, I have been unimpressed by many of the older members of the family I have met so far. Ethics does not seem to have been a subject any of them have studied in any kind of depth.
Caine is the worst of the lot. It seems clear that he was behind the destruction of Tan'Shakar, though I have no idea of his reasons for this. If the chance arises, Fate willing, I will see him dead, even if this does seem to be a bit of ethical primitivism creeping into myself. Alas, he is currently trapped on the other side of Corwins Pattern. Julian, the current King of Amber, appears to be dangerously unstable, and hardly a fit choice for the position he holds, though with the deaths of so many others it may have fallen to him by default.
The only ones I have any respect for are Dalt and Benedict. Dalt seems to be one of the few of the older generation with his head screwed on in something resembling the right way. Although his recent actions when we passed though Corwins Pattern, and later when he succeeded in damaging it, have somewhat tarnished my opinion of him his explanation for his actions does seem to have some degree of sense to it. He is someone to be wary of though, especially as he seems to be working with Oberon, which is the last thing to be expected given what is known of his background! I should try to find out what he was doing on the other side of Corwins Pattern, who the White Lady is (Deirdre perhaps?), and why they are working together. Alas, given the circumstances of our last meeting I don't hold out too much hope of this. Benedict has also gained my respect, if only for his hyper-competence. Not someone to cross if it can be avoided.
Now that the way to Corwins universe has been I cut I find myself wanting to return to Tan'Shakar, see if there is any hope of salvaging it from ruin. It could already be decades after I left, local time, though! Anything could have happened! But I should still go back. Even if I failed and I hold out little hope of being able to do anything it was still my responsibility!
And if Tan'Shakar should prove unsalvageable? Then I can see myself throwing in my lot with Amber by default. Not the most appealing of choices, especially with the madman Julian on the throne. In my opinion Dalt would do a much better job, though I suspect not many would agree with me on that. Unfortunately while I'm on this side of Corwins Pattern I don't think I'll have the option of keeping out of things. From all the evidence it seems one side or the other will try and manipulate me into doing what they want, though maybe I'm overestimating my own importance here. There are the Courts of Chaos I suppose, but if what Dalt said is correct then their leaders are (or soon will be) even more twisted than those of Amber, which leaves me looking more and more trapped between a rock and a hard place...
Still, what do I really know of the situation in Amber? I've only been here a short while, not under the best of circumstances, and given my judgement on Tan'Shakar, can I really trust myself? I suppose I have to. Who else here can I talk to and expect some kind of sensible answer? I am like a fish out of water here, and a small fish in a very large pond indeed compared to my situation before - not something I like! This medieval lifestyle, political and ethical structure is not my preference at all, but what else is there? I wish I knew. I certainly feel that I do not want to fit into Amber. I get the feeling I don't see the same universe as Nemain or Linfarn, and maybe Ruthven, though I really don't know enough about him to be able to tell. And as for the older Amberites, from what I've found out it's a wonder we can communicate at all! One thing which worries me the most is that I might become more like the elders if I stay here too long. I like to think of myself as a civilised third century man and would rather not lose this last part of Tan'Shakar within me if I can avoid it.
As a last thought, if I ever get back though to Corwins universe it would be nice to find out what happened to Theresa. And who she is!